
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/6845530.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      No_Archive_Warnings_Apply, Underage
  Category:
      M/M, Multi
  Fandom:
      Bleach
  Relationship:
      Kon/Kurosaki_Ichigo, Hitsugaya_Toushirou/Kurosaki_Ichigo
  Character:
      Kurosaki_Ichigo, Kon_(Bleach), Hitsugaya_Toushirou, Kuchiki_Rukia, Sado
      "Chad"_Yasutora, Sheev_Palpatine_|_Darth_Sidious
  Additional Tags:
      Deliberate_Badfic, Anal_Fingering, Anal_Sex, Vacation, Read_at_Your_Own
      Risk
  Series:
      Part 2 of E.T._ft._Kanye_West
  Stats:
      Published: 2016-05-14 Chapters: 1/2 Words: 2435
****** California Gurls ******
by EnobyQuest_(Ymir14)
Summary
     Trouble in paradise? Yes! The paradise of Ichigo's love life (and
     rectum) is invaded by a new contender for the recently-filled vacancy
     in his heart.
Notes
     I'd say I'm sorry but we all know that's not true. Stay tuned for the
     next chapter! Will Ichigo stay with Kon? Does he deserve to? Is Rukia
     still the witness (and voyeur) of this cat-astrophe? (get it because
     Kon is a lion and Lions are Cats.) Find out next chapter! apter! next
     the chapter! Is Rukia still the witness (and voyeur) of this cat-
     astrophe? (get it because Kon is a lion and Lions are Cats.) Find out
     next chapter! next chapter!
     For reference, I have no idea who Hitsugaya is or what he looks like.
     I asked my friend for a random male character. I'm picturing a really
     buff version of Riku from Kingdom Hearts. next chapter!
“Brah, never knew you were a furry. Just my luck I washed up here with a
furry.” The short black haired short girl said while Ichigo kissed his lover;
they were both decked out in their birthday suits but for Kon because he’s a
stuffed animal plushie that just means Ichigo was naked.
“There you are Ichigo.” Kon said as he walked into the room on his petite
toddling stuffed little lion feet.
“Oops” said the strawberry-blonde as he dropped the imposter-lover to embrace
and make out with his real lover-lover. His fleece mouth was like an ocean.
When he came up to breathe from the gulf of Kon he cried to Rukia: “I’m not a
furry bro.”
“Brah.” Rukia said, kick-flipping her surfboard with a short-person’d foot.
“Brah.” She said again, staring at the tall teenager over the top of her
California surfer shades.
“He’s a real boy.” Ichigo said to reference to Pinocchio based on The
Adventures of Pinocchio the 1883 book by Carlo Collodi which was a children’s
book.
“Brah, you’re a fuzzy.” The beach-ready-bodied-reaper decreed. She looked at
both plushie and almost-a-man boy alike, their passion flooding around them
like an ocean, a glassy wave that she couldn’t ride away from the mushfest.
They were in the living room and Rukia wanted to go surf but instead she was
stuck watching them make out because she couldn’t not supervise this
inappropriate conduct and union of man and weapon.
“Bro.” The super-souled strawberry boy shot back sharply like a shotgun with a
sniper scope.
“You’re a straight up junkyard dog. Snogging like a dog. Shooting the curl with
this gnarly situation. Let me kill it.” The small girl said in a smarmy,
sarcastic soliloquy to someone or perhaps no one at all.
Ichigo sobbed in salacious sadness and Kon symmetrically did so in sympathy.
“That’s not funny!”
Then Chad had appeared. Hello Chad. “Hello Chad.”
“You’re very oaken today, like an ocean. An oaken-ocean.” Ichigo greeted his
friend Chadomaru. Chad had gotten taller ever since they arrived in California
and the strawberry blond was always happy to see the brunet.
“Star Trek: Into Darkness wasn’t that good.” Chado said while glaring at Khan.
“Goodbye Chad.” Chad said as Chad disappeared like an ocean tree into the palm
lined sunset as he waved his hand goodbye. It was always sunsetting in
California. They were in California for vacation with Chad and their classmates
and Ichigo brought Kon.
“Ichigo! You should fuck something less hairy.” The petite noirette the
objected as soon as Kon and Ichigo began dry humping once more, the lionette
smothered by Ichigo’s long body.
10 minutes later in the afterglow the redhead responded: “You should not watch
me fuck things.”
Rukia yawned, then lit a herbal cigarette. “Can I vape in here?”
“I have us both covered.” Ichigo said while he set up the smoke machine in
their family room. The room of their new shared family, and he put the vape
filter in the smoke machine and turned it on. The smoke machine was Ruika’s one
month anniversary gift to the happy couple. It was so she could hide in the
smoke while the other two got it on; and Ichiho doesn't know if it's because
she wanted to watch or wanted to not be able go see.
But suddenly another man burst in! He was tall (er than Rukia lol) with shining
white hair and a rippling 8 pack cascading over his curiously tight board
shorts that matched the black-haired pale girl’s board shorts she was wearing
as a shirt.
“How did you get in here?” Kon asked, standing up on his tiny lion feet,
slightly wet from Ichigo’s saliva and sweat. In the California heat it must
have been completely unbearable. (get it, because he’s a stuffed animal and
bears are the most common kind of stuffed animal.
“Ichigo! Don’t talk to this hoser, brah.” Rukia commanded, frowning at the
intruder’s intrusive intrusion.
“Sup ladies?” The manly boy said, snickering at everyone in the room before he
began choking on the vape gas that filled the room. Kon looked offended; that
smoke machine which was hotboxing the room with their vaping was the short
black haired short girl’s anniversary gift to him and Rukia. Ichigo was mostly
offended because he was not a lady because he was clearly too tall to be Rukia,
the only lady in existence.
The boy who possessed too much soul power screamed. “What’s your problem!”
“Sado left your house unlocked so I thought I’d make my entry.” He replied with
a devilish grin, hair tousled from the California waves and wind and salt from
the bitter celebrities. He must have been swimming in the beach all day while
Ichigo vaped. They were never meant to meet. Opposing forces. An unstoppable
force meeting an immovable object.
“Ichigo why does Chad have a key.” Kon asked, crying an ocean of tears. He then
leapt to the logical conclusion. “Are you cheating on me?”
Before Ichigo could answer he watched his lover or maybe ex-lover leap out the
door and into Chad’s arms because Chad came back because he anticipated this
and wanted to make Kon his because Khan was bad in Star Trek and Genghis Khan
was worse but Kon was his. The strawberry blond tried to follow him but the
short stack of love engine blocked his path, like a sleeping snorlax.
“Who the fuck is Sado” Ichigo said, feeling sad-o himself. He doesn’t know how
to make it up to Kon, and this new man clad only in bright orange swim shorts
and fine musculature wasn’t letting him try. He was going to die like this of a
broken heart in front of a strong, salacious, salad-eating, sandy and seductive
pale adversary.
The nuisance whispered in his ear: “Does it matter? You’re looking very hot
when you’re crying right now because your heart is breaking.”
“Ichigo this one isn’t a furry.” She helpfully supplied because she was
speaking the truth.
“Bro.” Ichigo said to Rukia very very sadly.
“Damn right my name is Hitsugaya.” Hitsugaya said and Ichigo guessed that made
sense but he kept trying to run away from the problem that was his south pole
pressing stiffly against his pants because he didn’t wear underwear and this
barricade between him and his love was shredded and had a rippling 8 pack of
abs.
Ichigo stayed determined. “You’re not a furry! You’re not him!”
He didn’t give up, he would never give up. The fire in his eyes burned like the
fire of Ichigo’s hair and his burning bush of pubic hair. Ichigo’s face burned
too because he was blushing too hard from arousingness. “I could briefly
replace him in your briny depths.”
“My depths belong to him alone!” He shrieked, realizing that he was being
trapped by this handsome mysterious stranger who was named Hitsugaya.
“Bed with me tonight in this bathroom.” The silver haired mysterious swole
child had blocked his way; continually pushing him backwards as he stepped
forwards and the other stepped back because he was heartbroken until they were
in the upstairs bathroom with Rukia outside the door, his head was spinning.
The hothead found the other man very hot but he longed to reconcile with his
lover who thought he was cheating on him.
“Rukia! Please bring back Kon to show him how I’m not cheating on him.” The
redhead begged her, crying like a widow over her husband's body because he died
when she went to the market and he fell down stairs like a dumbass.
“Whatever, Ichigo. Stop wiping out in love.” Rukia said before she closed the
door and he heard footsteps indicating she was doing what he asked.
“Fuck you?” The other man asked, the gayness of it all flooding the room like
an ocean of gay. It was the perfect ambiance but it didn’t feel right. Ichigo
had to prove his loyalty to his one and only citizen of his heart and the only
occupant of his genital region of the Ichigo Kurosaki country.
“NO!” Ichi-Ichi go-go whispered. “I have a lovely lover and I am in love with
him.”
“You need a real man.” HitsuGAYa insisted while crushing a 6-pack of empty cans
against his rippling carbon-nanotubule-enforced-hard 8-pack abs.
The strawberryette wasn't convinced. “Nooo!” He sung with the voice of a
thousand rejections, almost stumbling back against the door.
“Do it.” Said Emperor Palpatine. Ichigo agreed, he was being a prude and needed
to give everyone a fair chance because he’d only been in love once and Kon left
him alone in the house for a day.
“Did you hear that?” Hitsugaya asked, wondering if he was hallucinating Star
Wars: Episode 3 but it was too late and Ichigo had already swamped him with his
body and his lips.
“Doesn't matter, soon all you're going to hear is your massive dick in my
rectum.” Inigo Montoya growled in his ear, grinding his ass against Hitsugaya
Jones’ clothed hard appendage while he sat on the toilet. They were in a
bathroom.
“Yeah, my dick has that much mass.” Hitsugaya flirted back sexily.
“How many grams?” The blondette asked the blanchette because the measurement
unit of mass was grams.
“Lots.” The boy with hair the colour of virgin-snow growled in response because
his man noodle was indeed a lot of grams.
“Take me now.” Ichigo said, giving into his lust which was pooling around them
like an ocean. Thank god they were in a hotel bathroom; he flushed the toilet
so they could both breathe in each other's mouths. The sun was setting outside
and Ichigo saw Kon on top of Chad’s shoulders as they walked off into the
sunset so he couldn’t help but add on out of spite: “My body is ready.”
“I’ll get it ready.” Hitsugaya said in reference to the fact he had ripped off
both their clothes already exposing him to Ichigo’s man meat which was
practically winking at him with how it glistened in the light. The redhead
could only think about how if Kon thought he was cheating on him he might as
well prove it and make it true because Ichigo didn’t want to be in love with a
liar.
“You’re going to enter… my backdoor?” The tall boy asked innocently with a
dirty and non-innocent smirk, pulling the shorter one’s fingers over to his
relaxed pucker with one of his own hands and moaning when he traced over the
entrance to his cavern of love.
“I need some…Lube.” The albinistic-crow-haired boy moaned back, faced with the
realization that anuses were not self lubricating.
“Social lubricant?” Ichigo offered because the man seemed awkward even though
they were about to conjoin like tandem bikes.
“No but this will do.” He replied as he grabbed his toothpaste off the counter
to prepare him for his entry, pushing and sprawling him onto the cold tile
floor which hardly mitigated the warmth of his skin or in his eyes or between
he and him.
5 minutes later.
“No homo.” Hitsugaya grinned as he examined the Aquafresh ™ brand lube
(slippery) toothpaste he used to prepare his love, which was correct in that
the tri-coloured stripes of toothpaste failed to mix together and remained red,
white and blue; a heterogeneous mixture. The colours of the American flag. God
Bless America. Underneath the man the strawberry-blonde lay huffing and
puffing, spread out like a smorgasbord of Ichigo underneath his dextrous and
crab-like hands. They were ready to begin the sex.
He entered slowly at first, and then faster because he was getting impatient,
soon they were fucking and the sound of their making love reverberated around
the bathroom, almost like they were learning about the universe through each
other's pleasantly moist and turgid bodies.
“The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell…” Ichigo started to educate his
lover...
“The mitochondria might be the powerhouse of the cell, but I’m the powerhouse
of your ass, baby.” Hatsune Miku roared and the wording of the words he said
made the strawberry boy moan in response to his words.
“What’s your GPA?” He had moaned previously. (last paragraph)
“12.0” HitsuGAYa said because his school operated on the 12 point system even
though they went to the same school. He was sweating from exertion as his man
carrot continually was removed from and reinserted from the the other’s disk
drive of love.
“Oh! Oh god that turns me on you’re so smart” The tall boy withered, back
bowing because he felt like he was going to shoot from how good the sexing was.
“Ahh bbg are you a sapiosexual?” The white haired anime protagonist seme asked,
calling the orangette his baby girl while reaching down to hold onto Ichi-Ichi
go-go’s Ichi-Ichi no-no.
The strawberry-blonde began to gently trash like a mosh pit in slow motion or a
roomba trapped in a corner with his lover’s ministrations, the pleasure jolting
through his veins was too much to bear and he could hardly take it. It felt
like the steam in his blood was pushing him like a steam engine towards the
brink of glory. “Yes. I found out a year ago when I came during my calculus
exam because the questions were harder than your magnum dong.”
“Oh yeah baby talk to me, your what exam?” The platinum blond asked, driving
his sex pistol deeper and harder into his lover making them both incoherent
with filthy sex and dirtier talk.
“My, nghhh.” The babbling strawberry boy tried again, incapable of finishing
his sentences between surges of pleasure as his new lover’s monster snake kept
slicking up against the special spot close to his core. His core of pleasure in
his body.
“What?” The snowette prompted, ramming Ichigo like he was losing all his random
access memory (RAM) because he was filling it all with how nicely his lover’s
dripping cavern was choking his ivory scepter.
“Nyaaaa~” The redhead with bedhead mewled, skittering his long fingertips
across his bed companion’s sinfully sinuous back. He was so turned on, he felt
like he was going to come a large body of water (Pacific or Atlantic.)
“Gonna have to say it louder, bbq.” Hitman: Reborn grunted, periodically
pummeling his peer with his perilously palpably paramount picturesque penis.
Ichigo sobbed, writhing in organic, free-range orgasmic pleasure. “You know,
like-”
“NYAH?” Kon screamed, the betrayed sound filling the room like an ocean; just
having burst into the ocean-view bathroom just moments ago.
 
The End. Or is it? (It’s not, find out next chapter! next chapter! next
chapter!)
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